I must change my life. I have changed my life. I have not danced in ten days and I don't miss it at all. I've slept in most of those days, and I feel absolutely nothing. I also cannot see anything but horrible hideous gray around me, and I think that is finally real perception. Is this what it's like to be normal. I made a list of things that I should be doing and I've failed and failed. One of the things on my list is to write again, so here i am doing it without purpose. i'm really scared i'm losing vision in my right eye. it's the one that's given me trouble ever since that kick in the head. i hardly dare contemplate this. but the fact is, there is something like a blind spot in it. i am going to a doctor on wednesday and will have to communicate this. i don't know if it's my exhaustion that makes the spots worse, or if they seem to stand out like cracks and sparks because something is really happening. i don't want to think about this. i don't. i test it several times a day, shut my left eye and ask if there is still a world around me. i have wondered if it contributes to the exhaustion, these spots and specks that i mostly see around -- but i know i am lucky that in fact most of my visual field is there. it could be worse. be grateful. be grateful for everything. oh, i can't get past the stupid buzzing in my head. so many things that are wrong. i count the days. 38 left. long and short. long, terribly long. too much time to waste on this half-existence. short. survivable. really NOT forever. what is it for? why haven't i made any progress at all? why go on?