amateur gypsy (wystel) wrote,
amateur gypsy

this morning on the BART i had the thought. something would happen to us in the tunnel. it was rush hour. there were many of us, and most of us were standing. i looked around and tried to determine which of us would be civil in the dark fear. i couldn't tell. i couldn't even tell about myself.

after we reached the city, enough people got off that by the second stop i could sit down -- even though i was getting off at the 4th, i slumped into a seat. another woman sat by me -- young attractive lesbian type. there was a duffel-type bag on the floor by the feet of the person across the aisle. suddenly it humped up and twitched. i flinched. "dog?" said the girl next to me. yes, but i couldn't stop looking anyway.

class was wonderful, but people kept leaving. they left until there was no one except company members in class -- three of us. we could work in privacy. sisterhood.

i have wanted to say that things were going well -- extravagantly well -- well in a way that i don't believe this is my own life -- but i came back to hear the first whispers of trouble in boston. well, you do get the news over facebook. this is just how it is in this age.

i'll deal with my own good news (which at every moment threatens to become bad news) later. how to say how it feels? there's worse happening daily in other countries -- worse that the US itself perpetuates. we are torturers, murderers. and boston doesn't feel like "america" the way nyc does (as an imaginative entity). i've had this blog since 2001 (and that day i inexplicably woke in california as the planes hit the towers). have none of us made any progress at all? why are we still perpetuating acts of hatred in this gross brute way? none of this hasn't already been said by other people and better, too. this is increasingly a place where i talk to myself. but all of us are responsible -- all of us.
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