amateur gypsy (wystel) wrote,
amateur gypsy

i am a very bad lj citizen in that i hardly even remember to log on anymore, which makes me crap at following all four people who still write here, and it also means that i don't think in paragraphs anymore, only condensed lines for mass consumption. and ultimately those lines must be censored because i've learned by now that you can't write what you really think (like, today i woke up feeling suicidal. again.). today i didn't wake up feeling suicidal; i woke up feeling really, really overwhelmed. the last few nights i've been able to sleep but wake up grossly coated in sweat -- it's all too much, which means that today i actually VACUUMED and sorted some recycling. and listened to some music that a friend had given me, whom i'm not sure is a friend, though he's certainly a very talented musician.

i'm teaching summer school. it's weird as usual being on a different schedule from virtually everyone else in the world -- i remember this being so in Taiwan, where our term went feb-july -- so everyone was hurrahing that Summer Was Here and i was in the stage of Will This Never End? now i have the pleasure (?) of a 6 week term, which means that i am ALREADY 18% done: pretty damn amazing. i have actually been enjoying the course, sort of. 5 hours is too long. it's too long even if you managed to give them the equivalent of 45 minutes of breaks and let them go early. on the other hand, it has been reminding me just how much fun it is to talk about literature -- mainly, to read it carefully and think about what it might mean that these particular works have done so much to captivate the imagination.

i'm dancing a lot. i think i didn't know i could do this. i'm currently rehearsing four different projects. it's great, maybe a little too much. but i want to do it all. people told me i looked great in class today, which was strange. i mean, i knew it wasn't true -- i know i am ok, also that i love to do it, but i also know that i can go whole years without anyone needing or wanting me to dance with them. that's partly why i do everything i can.

i should be very happy. i'm doing so many things i love. but what i think is that overall i am a person who could not be loved and who has very few real friends.
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