i've been writing more in my paper journal. scribbling. endless lines and lines of despair -- if only it weren't so consuming, this process. yesterday i honestly felt like living again -- felt like all my molecules were pretty much in the room at once -- it's been a long scattering of late. but the feeling only lasts a little while. still, i started sleeping again about two weeks ago (with chemical assistance) -- after more than three months of not (an hour or two, then panic), i guess a little sanity can seep back in.
i've been looking at myself on video. it is like looking at a stranger. is it like that for others, or do they know what they look like? i keep wondering about others, do they know who they are?
i don't like being alone -- is there ever a time when i'm not?
i've been in one place a year and a third by now. this is the longest stretch in one place in six years. my immediate impulse is to run away. my heart flickers.